There’s an image in my head of what a “writer” is supposed to be like. If I were able to show you that image, you would see someone with an infinite number of ideas. They would always wake up ready to write the day away. They would be able to sit down at a moment’s notice and whip out a wonderful poem or piece of prose. They would never be resistant to writing. They would always be able to write and write well.
I, on the other hand, resist the idea of sitting down to write. Deep down I want to. I want to work on my novel, I want to create pieces for this blog, but for some reason, the procrastination, the laziness, it rears its head and moans about how hard it’s going to be. It whispers in my ear; telling me that it would be so much simpler, easier to keep not writing. But that’s not what makes me happy, that doesn’t fill my soul.
That image in my head, it’s not even fabricated from reality. It’s one that I made up, and I compare myself to it. I compare myself, and my writing, to something that I’ve never even experienced or seen. I tear myself down, wonder whether I can even call myself a writer. I tell myself that if I were a real writer I would have finished my book by now, my blog would be ten times as big, and I would always feel like writing.
I ask myself why I want to write if I’m so resistant to it. Do I really love writing if I’m actively trying to convince myself that I don’t want to do it? Why is it that I come up with stories about it being painful, it making time move slower, or that I have no ideas? Why? Why am I resistant? Can I really say that I’m a writer if most days I don’t even feel like writing? I ask myself all of these questions, tearing myself down, demanding of myself more than I can answer to.
Yet, when I write I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time. I don’t have that nagging voice telling me that I should be doing something that I love, because I’m already doing it.
There are many times, even when I have a strong writing practice, that I sit down and stare at an empty page for hours. There are days when I scratch out entire pages of work. Often I have to drag myself out of a procrastination and laziness fueled stupor, convincing myself that it won’t be painful before I’m even able to write a word.
Today though, I realized something more. When I write I can’t hide from myself. I can’t distract from things going on inside my head, because when I’m writing I’m entirely inside my head. I might not be writing my feelings or thoughts, but I’m still there dancing around, building and destroying worlds. I’m accessing memories and creating entirely new-to-me experiences.
When writing, I can’t escape my mind, and some days that’s paralyzing. However, I know that each time I write I feel better. I realize now that that image in my head of what a “writer” looks like might be true for some, but it’s not true for me. I will always be a writer. I’m a writer on the days I write 5,000 words, and I am a writer even on the days where I write nothing at all.
I surely affirm asking “the questions.” I say: “Explore the questions to the fullest.” I also say: “nix the tearing down.”
I love the idea of exploring the questions to the fullest. Thanks for the advice!
I go through so much of this so often. It’s the primary reason that I seek writers’ quotes about going through similar straits and blogs like yours. I want to find comfort in company that we all endure this crap that we endure as writers. I’ve become pretty good at overcoming myself and my writing resistance on most days. Other days would be a draw – I write but not as much as I wish I would – and others…well, you know.
Good luck, keep trying, keep pressing on. Cheers
Thank you so much for sharing. I too find it helpful to know there are other writers out there who deal with similar things.
Thank you for stopping by!
Good points. I think a writer is by perspective also and that it begins in our minds and heart. I find that I enjoy just sitting down reading blogs and writing comments – and in between writing my blog. I lose track of time and let other things go that I want to accomplish, but I feel like I accomplished something each time I write a post. I began writing a book years ago but never stayed with the routine. I definitely believe you are a writer as I am. We mentally think and then place it in words. Isn’t that what writers do? Thanks for the insight.
Thank you for your insight as well. I agree that being a writer is by perspective
Acire, you’re a great writer. I don’t know hy we have this thing in us that stop us writing but I know I have it too. When I do get to write I can get a lot done…
I hope you’re well 🙂
Thank you. You are as well! It’s always helpful to know others go through this same thing. we can all support each other in this writing thing. Thank you for all of your support.
Acire, you voice the inner thoughts of many writers, our self doubts, our procrastination, our desire to write something profound and deep. I’ve been there so many times and I have all of these notebooks and pages on my iPad full of incomplete ideas and writings. You are much younger than I am, and I’m sure your life is full, I am now retired and each day I’ve been keeping a journal of free write and some poems. One of these days I will go through and hopefully be able to pull out something worthy, until then I write. You also, keep writing, your voice is needed and even if I don’t comment, which is a rare thing for me to do, I do enjoy your pieces.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words, encouragement and support. I’m sure all that you have written has worth because you take the time to write it and face the doubts and procrastination. Keep on writing and thank you for stopping by!
I am glad you wrote about this, Acire! As I’ve said before, you have been an inspiration for me as a writer, and I’ve been as stuck as you. But I also believe that if one forces the writing it becomes unsatisfying and bland. Sometimes it inspires something else entirely and is in itself motivation to write something of substance. I think we as writers pick our time to write something when we feel right because it somehow projects how we feel at a certain moment. And in this piece, I sense that frustration. But I also see perseverance to write something that matters to you. That is why I love your writing.
Thank you so much! I agree that forcing writing to happen can make it uninteresting, and that it’s also frustrating to not always be able to write as much as we want. Thank you for your kind words and support!