Amount of Screen Time: 0 minutes
Books Behind in Reading Challenge: 4
The screens (mainly the internet) have been gone for 3 days now, and in that time I’ve already learned something about myself that’s driven me to do a fair amount self-reflection. Self-reflection that I have a feeling I’ll be doing for a while yet. I mentioned yesterday that without social media and the internet I’ve come to realize that I am affected by the comparison that comes with social media.
Until a couple of days ago, I was of the mindset that since I don’t feel the need and don’t often post on social media that I mustn’t have been as affected by the comparison and need to show my highlight reel. And while I wasn’t posting, nor felt a strong urge to, that didn’t mean that I wasn’t being affected. I was still looking at others’ feeds, videos, posts every. single. day. I had a higher opinion of myself, and I always justified that my daily use of social media was okay, because I wasn’t being affected by it in the same way I’d heard others talk about it. Only, I was, and I didn’t notice it.
It started out slowly. I started out slowly on social media. I didn’t use it much as all at first, but little by little, as my usage went up, so did my tolerance, my blindspot. It’s hard to admit, but I do think some part of me prided myself in not being that active on social media. That pride, or self-assurance, or whatever you want to call it, fed into the narrative I was telling myself that it was fine, I was fine. It wasn’t affecting me, because I had a different relationship with the internet, with social media.
I was wrong. I know that now. That’s become clear to me. I have been playing the comparison game. I’ve been feeling “stuck” because my life isn’t where it’s “supposed” to be. During a conversation with a loved one where I complained yet again about feeling stuck in life, I was able to recognize that part of the reason I was feeling this way was all the small moments of the day when I was looking through the internet into other people’s lives. Only, they are living completely different lives than me, in different stages in their lives and I was only seeing a minuscule fraction of who they are. It was then that I admitted that I’d been affected by the comparison game for years, but it was so ingrained in my everyday life that I’d had no idea it was there, slowly draining the excitement out of my own accomplishments.
That’s a sobering thought. If I’d taken a step back earlier, maybe my accomplishments wouldn’t have a tarnish to them. Maybe I’d have admitted sooner how much I am affected by comparison on social media. But I don’t have the ability to change the past, and I don’t think I’d want to. Who knows what else I’d accidentally mess up by trying to change things. Maybe I’d accidentally make myself forget that I could change the past and end up in some sort of paradox…
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know what this means for me moving forward. I don’t know exactly how this knowledge is going to change my behavior, but I am certain that it’s going to. I want things to be different, and I’m sure that now that I’ve freed up lots of time for thinking this month that an idea will come to me. I’ll keep you up to date on any lightbulb moments I have.
Also, if I’ve learned nothing else in the past few days it’s that no one is alone in experiencing these types of things. So, if you’re feeling up to it, I ask that you share your own experiences with comparison and social media down in the comments and any advice for other reader’s that you might have. We’re all in this together.
Until next time,
– Acire
thankful for your reflections – discovering one’s truths is helpful – allow for plenty of grace, too!
Thank you for your support!